Australia is reeling from the incomprehensibly violent murder of Hannah Baxter and her three children, Aaliyah, Lainah and Trey, by incineration this week.
To provide a bit of context, Hannah Baxter took her three children, and moved in with her parents before Christmas. This is an excerpt from Frank Chung’s coverage in https://www.news.com.au/
‘A friend of murdered Brisbane mum Hannah Clarke says the fitness trainer confided in her about the decade of abuse she suffered at the hands of her controlling husband.
Chillingly, Rowan Baxter allegedly warned Ms. Clarke at the start of their relationship that he had told his previous partner — with whom he had a child — that if she left him, he would kill their child and himself.
On Wednesday morning, the controlling 42-year-old ambushed Ms. Clarke near her parents’ house in Camp Hill, dousing his estranged wife and three kids with petrol and burning them to death in the family SUV.
A witness reported Ms. Clarke jumped from the burning car and screamed, “He poured petrol on me.”
Six-year-old Aaliyah, four-year-old Lainah and three-year-old Trey died in their car seats. Baxter fatally stabbed himself at the scene, while the 31-year-old mum succumbed to her injuries in hospital later that night.’
How does it get to this?
How could anyone fail to see this coming?
I have said this before and I will say it again: Misogyny in this country and many others, America for example, is so deeply ingrained in our psyches that we tolerate low-grade abuse of women constantly and fail to check galloping hatred that can tragically erupt with devastating consequences. Rowan Baxter needed anger management, psychiatric help and a good kick up the arse but because he was a ‘Rugby player’ his galloping uxorious hatred was excused as ‘boys will be boys’ ranting.
Whether we like to admit it or not Australia is a patriarchal society. Believing women are inferior and/or less deserving of rights, equal pay and entitled to differing opinions is tragically part of our culture and also in America where I lived for six years. Misogyny manifests in small barely noticed patronizing remarks and behaviors that pass as flirtation, dismissal or exemption. The abuse of women starts in the home with preferential treatment of boys and higher expectations. Boys will one day be the breadwinners, the supporters of families, the protectors, the leaders. There is pressure put on boys to succeed where girls are allowed to fail.
Let that sink in. GIRLS ARE ALLOWED TO FAIL.
Not only are we allowed to fail, in many cases we are expected to fail. The girl who dares outshine her brother or worse, her father or husband, is subversively attacked for showing them up. It’s a rare man who seeks out an intellectually superior woman as a partner. It’s a rare father who acknowledges the intellectual stamina and industry of a brilliant daughter and worse still, it’s a rare mother who doesn’t advise her daughter to ‘manage’ her husband, father, brother, boyfriend, male boss etc by pandering to his ego, agreeing with his misinformed opinions and generally making him ‘feel good about himself.’
‘It’s how you get what you want,’ said my grandmother.
If like me, you recognize any or all of these behaviors then you, too, have experienced latent misogyny masked as ‘boys being boys.’ Don’t embarrass your brother by telling him you just signed a publishing deal. He doesn’t feel good about himself right now. Forget the fact that your brother is your friend who’s been cheering you on for years. You can’t be sure he’ll be happy for you now. In fact, both my brothers were happy when I got my first publishing deal.
When men like Rowan Baxter ‘don’t feel good about themselves’ like Rowan Baxter, they have license to behave with low-grade anger that manifests as misogyny and dominance over less powerful people like their wives, children or pets. These types of men take verbal swipes, deny fiscal support or demand obedience in the one domain over which they have control – the home. And if bullying the family fails to assuage their bruised egos, they take their complaints to their mates who no doubt feels as inadequate as they do and in the hallowed precincts of the local, they get drunk, rant and maybe hook up with a stranger who will sympathise with their ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ bullshit.
Hannah Baxter had endured a decade of bullying and abuse.
‘Chillingly, Rowan Baxter allegedly warned Ms. Clarke at the start of their relationship that he had told his previous partner — with whom he had a child — that if she left him, he would kill their child and himself.’ Frank Chung https://www.news.com.au/
So, why did Hannah marry him? Why did she stay with him?
It’s a reasonable question and one that can only be understood in the context of a nation that understands ‘real’ men as the rude, patronizing, aggressive descendants of Ned Kelly. You would have to be Australian to understand how misogynists like Bob Hawke, John Singleton, Clive Palmer, Scott Morrison and the fictitious Sir Les Patterson have risen to the ranks of leadership. There is a culture of misogyny extant in Australia and Hannah Baxter could be forgiven for failing to recognize the danger lurking in the psyche of a man who felt comfortable sharing such a confidence, a statement his Rugby mates were no doubt aware of and tacitly sanctioned.
So, what does this acceptance of misogyny reveal? It tells us that the definition of a ‘real’ man in Australia is someone who is heavy-fisted, obsessive, perniciously entitled and emotionally immature. It also tells us that a woman has only one function: to support the man in her life and give him her undivided and enduring attention.
WOMEN WHO ENABLE MISOGYNY
Now I want to talk about the women who enable misogyny. These are the women who pride themselves on having tamed a wild animal. The women who keep a savage dog of a husband and feel smug that he bites everyone but her. These women look down on other women who can’t ‘hold onto’ their man. These are the women who say NOTHING when their man bullys other women. These are the women who feel superior because even though their husband reduces female relatives and co-workers to tears regularly, he never attacks her.
She manages him.
She is a ‘real’ woman who has managed to snare a ‘real’ man. In truth she is an enabler at best, a bullying toady who loads the bullets for him to fire at worst and when he fires them, he knows she will always justify his behaviour.
These are the mothers who insist that the girl their son raped ‘seduced him’.
These are the women who say their violent husband didn’t mean it when he hit them.
Hannah Baxter said Rowan never hit her. But Mrs Whaley a domestic violence worker for 10 years, said otherwise.
The announcement that the gym was shutting down was made just before Christmas and on December 5th Hannah Baxter left her violent husband and reached out to Ms. Clarke who said the following:
“Hannah confided in me about the family violence she had experienced for the past 10 years,” she wrote, adding that at first Ms. Clarke was “confused and told me that she had never thought of being in a domestic violent relationship as she explained ‘he never hit me’”. Frank Chung https://www.news.com.au/
So many women fail to understand that abuse doesn’t have one face or one manifestation. Any form of power transference is ABUSE including managing a person with a fragile ego, obeying rules that curb your expression, toadying to control freaks to glean affection, agreeing with a narcissist for the sake of peace and covering yourself up because your religion or your nation demands it.
Shaming and disempowering women has been a patriarchal practice for centuries. In most countries women were only given the vote last century. Women have only been allowed to earn money in the workforce since the mid-twentieth century. Women are still fighting for fiscal, political, social and domestic equality and some men DON’T LIKE SHARING THE PLATFORM.
Put simply, the introduction of women into the workforce doubles the competition and some men don’t like it.
But back to Hannah Baxter and her fatal error of judgement. If Hannah had not grown up in a country that venerates men and teaches inequity, she might have recognised the signs of Rowan Baxter’s exaggerated insecurity and self-righteous control. When Baxter told her he threatened his former partner: ‘if she left him, he would kill their child and himself’ Hannah may have found it disturbing but my guess is she’d heard men talk like this before and took it as an empty threat.
This tragedy occurred because a footballer used to getting his own way and addicted to the spotlight cracked when his wife stood up to him. Buoyed up by a misogynistic society that favors men, sympathizes with the male ‘underdog’ and needs women to pander to fragile male egos this arsehole who was undeniably unhinged, was able to justify his megawatt hatred because no-one checked him at any stage. IF they did, his team and his sports-mad adopted nation told him he was a hero and therefore vaguely immune to reprimand.
Much as idiots dismissed Trump’s misogyny as ‘boys will be boys’ fun in America so Baxter’s hatred of his wife would have been supported by his mates in rants at the pub or at least brushed off as drink-fueled, semi-righteous rage.
MISOGYNY is tragically ingrained in our cultural psyche and when incidents like this occur ALL THE WARNING SIGNS HAVE BEEN EXCUSED by like-minded sympathetic others whose hatred lies just under the surface of otherwise contained social interaction.
I have upgraded this post because of my concern about misogynistic self-appointed prophet, Jordan Peterson whose Thesaurus-coated rot supports the rage of disenfranchised incels who see his propheteering as gospel when in fact Peterson is simply profiteering off the insecurity of men who feel threatened by the steady rise of women into the workforce and positions of power. Peterson weeps openly over the plight of men who can’t get a girlfriend because women “set the bar too high”. He also preaches that women secretly want to be mothers and under the thumb of forceful men and are ruining their lives by climbing the corporate ladder and letting the biological clock run down. In short self-appointed prophet Peterson would turn back the clock to the 50s and undo all the rights women have fought so hard for.
His is a dangerous message and one that is finding traction in a vacuum of power created by the inevitable pendulum swing towards balance and equality. Just as teenage children start shaking off the yoke of parental domination, so women are shaking off the yoke of patriarchy. The truth is that a finer world awaits all who allow change to take root. There is nothing more destabilizing than a hierarchy rooted in suffering. Peterson argues that hierarchies are naturally forming in any social demographic. Privilege exists but it is a wise, self-aware person who remembers the old adage “God bless the child that’s got his own” and shakes off the privilege of entitlement and inheritance to make their own way in the world using the gifts they have to express themselves and benefit others.
I was listening to a remarkable man just recently. A Catholic priest called Father Bob. Australians know him as the founder of the Wayside Chapel. When asked what life’s purpose was he answered without hesitation: ‘helping others.’
We need more Father Bobs and fewer Jordan Petersons if the world is to move into a place where all feel welcome and safe.
But until men and women become friends the Rowan Baxters of this world will continue to destroy lives.
If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual abuse or family violence contact 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732
Don’t go it alone. Please reach out for help by contacting Lifeline on 13 11 14
Men who have anger, relationship or parenting issues, should contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491
In Memory of Hannah, Aaliyah, Lainah and Trey.