I am sorry I missed you this lifetime. Sorry for being born too early. Or too late. Forgive me if I passed you on the street without recognising you. Apologies for sneaking out of heaven without leaving a note or a forwarding address. If there were plans and promises made I am truly sorry for breaking them. I can’t remember why I decided to live a life without you but let me tell you what I’ve learned without you who made God unnecessary and aspiration redundant.
I have learned loneliness and how to cope with it.
I have learned to look for greatness in others.
I have learned how to occupy myself.
I may even have learned the meaning of life. Not sure. Still working on that one.
Without you to blind me to all else I’ve seen beauty and injustice and the broken-winged people who share this earth with me. Without you to cling to I have discovered angels and suspected heaven. Without you to hold me up I have learned to find shelter in storms and strength in numbers. Without you to worship I have found faith in the unknown.
Oh and let me tell you about mountains. I’ve stood on top of a mountain and seen blue ice dancing on peaks that serrated the sky. Up there I saw beauty that defied explanation and physics. I have also seen the star-pocked night sky topsy-turvy in a mirror-backed ocean and watched schools of flying fish in iridescent flight. And these wonders I saw alone. I wished for you then because I so wanted to share them with you.
Since you, I have found resources within that loving you atrophied. And I must tell you now that I have loved others deeply and passionately. I’ve met people I will never forget and allowed them into my heart and my life. I even imagined some of them were you. When we meet again as semi-strangers I hope you will accept the changes in me. I plan to accept the changes in you. I’ll probably be jealous of the people you have loved but that’s the risk I was prepared to take.
Clipping wings just ruins the sky for both of us.
With you I would have been cocooned in a union defiant of Gods and the odds and I would have wanted nothing and strived for nothing. You would have outshone the stars and made beggars of kings. And so I decided to live alone for one lifetime. Having chosen this I know we now have secrets and separate souls. By the time we meet again we will have loved elsewhere and worshipped elsewhere and made wishes that changed allegiances and fortunes. By the time we meet again we will have “disturbed the Universe” as Elliot said.
I am so sorry I left you in doubt of me but we were not enough. Even the Universe is not enough. Nothing and nobody is an end in themselves or itself because I have learned there is no end to this great adventure called life. There, that’s the meaning of life I was struggling to find. I do think that’s it, my love. There is no final position ever.
I will not pretend that life without you has been easy but I maintain it was necessary. I needed to know what existed beyond the enchantment of us.
I’m not sure where to send this letter – heaven or hell or to your wife – or even if you will find it and read it. I hope you will. I hope you are well. I look forward to seeing you again,
All my love, your soulmate.